Science jokes!
Mainly from this excellent website:
Science Jokes
Quantum physics is like a blind turtle looking for a snowball in the desert.
Heisenberg is stopped by a traffic cop who askes: “Do you know how fast
you were going?”
Heisenberg replies: “No, but I know exactly where I am”
Q: What’s the difference between a quantum mechanic and an auto mechanic?
A: A quantum mechanic can get his car into the garage without opening the
door.
Since an object’s kinetic energy E = ½mv²,
and also, from relativity, E = mc², then ½mv² = mc².
Canceling the m’s, ½v² = c².
Solving for v, v = ±sqrt(2) * c.
Thus, everything with nonzero mass travels at a speed equal to the square
root of 2 times the speed of light.
(This is an excellent example of why you must keep your types of energy
straight during a calculation!)
Once all the scientists die and go to heaven. They decide to play hide-n-seek.
Unfortunately Einstein is the one who has the den. He is supposed to count
upto 100 and then start searching. Everyone starts hiding except Newton.
Newton just draws a square of 1 meter and stands in it, right in front of
Einstein.
Einsteins counting ….97,98,99,100, opens his eyes and finds Newton
standing in front. Einstein says “Newtons out, Newton’s out.”
Newton denies and says I am not out. He claims that he is not Newton. All
the scientists come out and he proves that he is not Newton. how?
.
.
.
.
.
.
His proof:
Newton says:
I am standing in a square of area 1m square..
That means I am Newton per meter square..
Hence I am Pascal.
Since newton per meter square = Pascal
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant
biology.
Theorem:
All positive integers are interesting.
Proof:
Assume the contrary. Then there is a lowest non-interesting positive
integer. But, hey, that’s pretty interesting! A contradiction.
QED
Hello, this is probably 438-9012, yes, the house of the famous statistician. I’m probably not at home, or not wanting to answer the phone, most probably the latter, according to my latest calculations. Supposing that the universe doesn’t end in the next 30 seconds, the odds of which I’m still trying to calculate, you can leave your name, phone number, and message, and I’ll probably phone you back. So far the probability of that is about 0.645. Have a nice day.
* Ten percent of all car thieves are left-handed * All polar bears are left-handed * If your car is stolen, there’s a 10 percent chance it was nicked by a Polar bear * 39 percent of unemployed men wear spectacles * 80 percent of employed men wear spectacles * Work stuffs up your eyesight * All dogs are animals * All cats are animals * Therefore, all dogs are cats * A total of 4000 cans are opened around the world every second * Ten babies are conceived around the world every second * Each time you open a can, you stand a 1 in 400 chance of falling pregnant
A mathematician and a…eh…non-mathematician are sitting in an airport hall waiting for their flight to go. The non has terrible flight panic. “Hey, don’t worry, it’s just every 10000th flight that crashes.” “1:10000? So much? Then it surely will be mine!” “Well, there is an easy way out. Simply take the next plane. It’s much more probable that you go from a crashing to a non-crashing plane than the other way round. So you are already at 1:10000 squared.”
(I might add that the mathematicians flight got abducted by some aliens doing some nasty experiments on him, which proves that poking fun at somebody else is much more fun than poking fun on you 
A question is asked to CS department students. The question is: What is
the value of `2*2′?
(1st year student): says `4′, without any thinking.
(2nd year student): says `4, exactly’, after a moment of thinking.
(3rd year student): takes a pocket calculator, presses some buttons and
says `4′.
(4th year student): writes a program of about 100 lines, debugs it, runs
it and says: `4.0e+00′.
(5th year student): designs a new programming language that perfectly
fits for solving such problems, implemets it, writes a program, and
answers: `It says “4″, but I doubt if I really fixed that ugly bug last
night…’
(student just before the final graduation exams): cries in desperation:
`Why, why do you think I must know all that bloody constants by heart?!’
Why did the chicken cross the road?
According to Le Chatelier:
The chicken crossed the road because there were too many moles of chicken
on the reactants side of the road equilibrium.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Andre Ampere: To keep up with current events.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Werner Heisenberg:
(1) We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was
on, but it was moving very fast.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side.
Q. Why did the quantum chicken cross the road?
A. It was already on both sides of the road!
Law of Selective Gravity:
An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
Jenning’s Corollary:
The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is
directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
TIME TRAVEL SEMINAR
To whom it may concern,
There will be a seminar given on the subject of time
travel in the 21st century.
It will be held on Thursday, January 1, 1920 at
12:00:01AM.
Please to have marked your calendars.
Q: What’s the difference between a mass spectrometer and an electric guitar?
A: You can tune a mass spectrometer.
Q: What caused the big bang?
A: God divided by zero. Oops!
A bar walks into a man. Opps. wrong frame of reference
A mathematician is showing a new proof he came up with to a large group of
peers. After he’s gone through most of it, one of the mathematicians says,
“Wait! That’s not true. I have a counter-example!”
He replies, “That’s okay. I have two proofs.”
Q: What is the connection between sausages and the second law of thermo?
A: Because of the 2nd law, you can put a pig into a machine and get
sausage, but you can’t put sausage into the machine and get the pig
back.
Q: How far can you see on a clear day?
A: 93 Million miles…From here to the Sun.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Hubble:
There are two possibilities: One that the distance between the chicken and
the side of the road that it was on before it crossed is expanding, and the
other, that the distance is contracting, and will collapse on itself.
Chemical: A substance that:
1) An organic chemist turns into a foul odor;
2) an analytical chemist turns into a procedure;
3) a physical chemist turns into a straight line;
4) a biochemist turns into a helix;
5) a chemical engineer turns into a profit.
Sing to the tune of Losing My Religion by REM:
That’s me in the acid
That’s me in the test tube
Losing my electrons
Trying to keep my ions true
But I don’t know if I can do it
Oh no this work’s too tough
I didn’t study enough
I thought that I saw it bubbling
I thought that i saw it burn
I think I thought I heard it pop
(By Allison Healy and Melissa Shong)
You Pb me to believe he’s dead;
I Zn he won’t survive.
Ba in the ground, you fool,
Do you Zn he’s still alive?
Johnny saw some dynamite
Couldn’t understand it quite
But curiosity never pays
It rained Johnny for seven days.
A mosquito cried out in pain:
“A chemist has poisoned my brain!”
The cause of his sorrow
was para-dichlorodiphenyltrichloroethane
A little neurological put down:
You’ve only got two neurons–and one of them’s inhibitory.
Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which
otherwise require harder thinking. — Jerome Lettvin
Biology exam: Create life . Justify your answer.
Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature,
volume, humidity, and other variables the organism will do as it damn
well pleases.
Theorem : All numbers are equal to zero.
Proof: Suppose that a=b. Then
a = b
a^2 = ab
a^2 - b^2 = ab - b^2
(a + b)(a - b) = b(a - b)
a + b = b
a = 0
Theorem: 0 = 0
Proof:
You could proove by induction that x + 0 = x for all x
When x = 0 we have 0 + 0 = 0. 0 + 0 = 0 so we can make a substitution on
the left hand side and get 0 = 0
The Moebius strip is a pain,
When you cut it again and again,
But if you should wedge
A large disk round the edge
Then you just get a PROjective plane.
A function and a differentiation operator meet somewhere in Hilbert space. The differentation operator: Make place or I differentiate you.
Function: Forget it buster, I am e^x.
The differentation operator: Well, I am d/dy.
In modern mathematics, algebra has become so important that
numbers will soon only have symbolic meaning.
2: The Odd Prime —
It’s the only even prime, therefore is odd. QED.
3: The True Prime —
Lewis Carroll: “If I tell you three times, it’s true.”
31: The Arbitrary Prime —
Determined by unanimous unvote. We needed an arbitrary prime
in case the prof asked for one, and so had an election. 91
received the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the
next most. However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none
at all.
Mathematicians have announced the existence of a new whole number which lies between 27 and 28. “We don’t know why it’s there or what it does,” says Cambridge mathematician, Dr. Hilliard Haliard, “we only know that it doesn’t behave properly when put into equations, and that it is divisible by six, though only once.”
“The number you have dialed is imaginary.
Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.”
1 + 1 = 3, for large values of 1
Psych test for math majors: Is the interval half open or half closed?
